OUT , Journey to Find Oneself [Full texts]

Feminist Video Activism WOM has worked on feminist documentary filmmaking, feminist media education, policy suggestion, and distribution from 2001. Feminist Video Activism WOM has produced documentaries which explore diverse women's identities: disabled women, women victims of violence, women laborers, lesbians, etc. Also, we tried to develop and experiment with a feminist documentary form and production method, which focused on the relationship between the producers and the actors, who are the real characters. While we were planning and collecting data to make a documentary about teenage lesbians in 2005, we found that there were serious disadvantages for lesbians in middle and high school. Teenage lesbians named these disadvantages at schools as "Lesbian censorship in school." These teenagers put posts on online communities that asked others to be careful about "Lesbian censorship in school" or expressed their fear about it. The homophobic climate in society is much harsher toward teenage lesbians, those who are gay, teenagers and women, than others. At that time, a lot of schools in broad areas across the whole country committed violations of human rights toward teenage lesbians. These schools didn't admit these girls' lesbian identities because teachers and those in charge of the education system perceived girls' identities not only as crude existences but also as things that were easily changeable by force. "Lesbian censorship in school" was a severe violation of human rights against teenage lesbians based on ignorance and aversion to homosexuality.

We met Chun-jae in March, 2005. She sent an email when she saw the post in which we stated we were looking for a teenage lesbian who wanted to answer our coverage. Chun-jae, a senior student in middle school at that time, had been subject to her school teacher's superintendence from the very first year in school, and she was being punished with "Lesbian censorship in school." At school, there was a blacklist on which students suspected as lesbians were put. Chun-jae was on that list, was under the school's surveillance, and was prohibited from meeting other friends who were on the blacklist. She couldn't have lunch with her friends, and was prohibited from getting together with her friends after school or even on holidays. She was punished for gathering, sharing memos, and even exchanging nods with her friends. Whenever she was punished, the school teacher treated her impersonally and said that lesbians were abnormal, so he needed to reform her quickly. There were 4 students in her school who forced to change schools as punishments. Chun-jae and her friends had many more school days during which they cleaned school facilities, wrote essays about their doings of the day, and stood outside the classroom than days of classroom study.

Chun-jae and her friends were mortified at being mistreated, but they couldn't ask their families or anyone else for help since they were being punished for their lesbian identities. Enduring these conditions with no possibility of changed was hard. Chun-jae vented her full rage onto her body, so her arm was slashed with self-inflicted injuries.

Speaking Out by Herself

Chun-jae wanted to change the prejudice toward teenage lesbians through her story. However, the first thing we needed to consider was Chun-jae's safety. We worried about her pain and the disadvantages she might experience if her personal information was disclosed. We needed to make the documentary in a safe way for the main actor Chun-jae and communicate with her through methods that would not hurt her. That was my ethical duty as an adult, a feminist documentary director and a lesbian.

We decided to build a cooperative relationship with Chun-jae to make the documentary. We wanted to help her say what she couldn't tell anybody, to help her protect herself by deciding how much she would expose herself, and to screen this documentary in an atmosphere of support and understanding. We educated her in a simple camera operation and used a protection method of exposing her only to such an extent as her identity would not be compromised. And then we asked her to tell her story. I had a conversation with her about her situation and the distress she felt and taught her camera technique, scene and interview directing when we saw her film scene in the middle of her shooting.

During three month filming, camera became a friend for Chun-jae who was severely lonely. Chun-jae talked about the unreasonable punishments, her loneliness, her rage toward the school, and the sorrow she had felt when her female friend was forced to leave the school because of her lesbian identity. In 2005, this story became the documentary film Lesbian Censorship in School.

Lesbian Censorship in School visualized existence of teenage lesbians unknown to Korean society and brought about social consciousness on human right issues of teenage queer. The audience was astonished and outraged at the school violence toward teenage lesbians by listening Chun-jae's story. While producing Lesbian Censorship in School, I felt a desire to put the inner voices of teenage lesbians more deeply, so I started to make the feature documentary OUT right after finishing Lesbian Censorship in School.

How to Find the Causes of Scars and Agony

OUT is a documentary about three teenage lesbians' journey in which three characters (Chun-jae, Cho-i and Koma) are finding self-affirmation while oppressed by the physical and mental violence of a homophobic society.

We needed to prepare safety measures to protect the identity of the participants and to create a new relationship between the participants and our documentary teams. Above all, I wanted these three women to gain courage and feel empowered through our documentary filmmaking. We then tried to find a way in which the actors could have more power and subjectivity during the filming process. We decided to extend the production form cooperated with actors which we experimented earlier. We named it the "documentary protagonist participation production form." Protagonists participated in the whole process including planning, shooting, editing and distribution. By "self-directing," our teenage protagonists were able to organize stories, shoot and direct scenes themselves--this was the key to the technique.

Before the protagonists began self-directing, I wrote down several guidelines:

1. Consider the possibility of exposure to homophobic hate-crime and outing realistically
2. Necessity of self-control of the degree of exposure in order to give protagonists self-determination for their coming-out
3. Subjective storytelling by protagonists rather than objectifying them
4. Make protagonists stand as a subjects of the documentary
5. Give them a chance to think deeply about their lives and to heal their scars through the filming process
6. Provide tools for self-expression during the film;, specifically media education and necessary language skills

OUT was organized into an omnibus form with the video diaries of Chun-jae, Cho-i and Koma. As with the production process of Lesbian Censorship in School, I let them discuss their anguish and their thoughts about their identities by using the camera freely. I met with the protagonists three times a week, watched their video diaries together with them, and allowed them examine their images with some emotional distance. This was the process we used for analyzing their personal thoughts. When necessary, I provided a variety of information and examples of sexual identities, helping them sift through their thoughts, and encouraging them to find a solution for their troubles. I helped them recognize the changes within themselves.

When the shooting had started, Cho-i had told us that "everything happened in the past and I'm okay." We knew from her words that Cho-i was accustomed to disregarding her wounds. After 4 months of shooting, she finally recognized the fact that she had been very hurt by her past and her heavy fear of being hurt again blocked her ability to be honest with her audience. After Cho-i mourned her situation sincerely, she told us on camera: "I used to say I might like a girl in the past but now I say I loved a girl and love a girl!"

Thinking about one's sexual identity isn't something that someone can force out of another person,; it's something that evolves within one's mind. The reality is that teenagers are stigmatized by others' negative opinions before they even discover their own identities. They must get through their own mental obstacles, and look for a way to know, think, and find themselves. Then they must confront the others' gaze, which has been there the whole time.

The process of recording monologues through self-direction was comprised of asking and answering their own questions. In order to ask a question and find an answer, strong mental power to drive one forward is needed. The process of discovering that power is also related to the search for the root of one's wounds and agony. In an environment that fosters trust and support, thinking and talking about oneself helps one change positively.

We were able to understand, from our filming, that teenage lesbians with scars from forced heteronormativity and homophobic surroundings can have a chance to heal their own wounds.

Process of Gaining Self-respect

Koma was regarded as an exemplary student in school, but she felt herself an outsider. She struggled to hide her true self and performed heterosexual behaviors in her everyday life. She knew that her sexual orientation, loving other women, wasn't wrong; homophobic society which surrounded her was wrong. However, the fear of pain which she got from her family members and friends because of her sexuality still remained deeply embedded in her mind.

Since there was no documentary about lesbians in Korea before Lesbian Censorship in School and OUT, a lot of lesbians tried to help us complete our project. Koma started to ward off her fear while she communicated with the diverse group of lesbian staff members throughout our filming.

In April 2007, OUT was completed and had its first screening at the International Women's Film Festival in Seoul. Tickets sold out very quickly and the theater, which had around 500 seats, was packed. There were a lot of expectations on this movie since it was the first lesbian and queer feature documentary film in Korea. The three protagonists observed the audience's reaction with both apprehension and anticipation. After the screening, they went up the stage to perform the theme song, of which they had written the lyrics and had sung in the movie. During their performance and the Q&A session that followed, they were wearing masks on their faces in order to protect themselves from outing. After the moderator asked audience to wear masks if they wanted to show their support and will to change this homophobic society, which pushed these three girls to hide themselves behind masks, the whole audience wore masks, stood up, and sang together. The theater became festive space for both the three young women and the audience, who sang together passionately and spontaneously. Receiving sympathy and being accepted in this way was important to develop a sense of self-respect.

The process of making OUT was also the process of organizing lesbian community in Korea. 30-year-old lesbian organized the frame for starting lesbian stories; 20-year-old lesbians composed and sang songs with messages of hope for teenage lesbians; teenage lesbians courageously related stories of their experiences. The audience showed active sympathy toward the teenage lesbians' voices which were low and tender, but strong-hearted. By making this documentary, the three protagonists and our documentary team learnt that we are not alone and trusting each other is a powerful deterrent of fear and prejudice.